Telling my parents

When I really think about it, what is the reason I'm procrastinating about telling them? Its not because I don't want them to know, because if I change my sex they are going to notice. I've decided its because I'm afraid that IM wrong about being transexual, and if I'm not going to do it then they don't need to know. But this is the problem I've had all along, I don't trust my own judgement about it. But since, as a friend put it, I'm over 75% sure then I should tell them. So I will.

I think...

Yes I will

Maybe...

Christmas Time

Well the last week has been very interesting. Last Friday I went to see my councellor for the first time, and I decided to go in female clothes. I was really nervous about doing that beforehand, but when the day came it was actually much easier than I had thought it would be, and it felt really good. The councellor was really nice, and I think it helped, although managing to go out in role helped more. I showed myself that I do actually have some confidence, if not much self esteem, that still needs working on. Going to see her again fairly soon, hopefully on the 19th if I can get an appointment then, waiting to hear back from her.

So, that was a really good day. Then on Saturday I went to stay with my parents for Christmas, which was mostly good, if a bit frustrating and sometimes dull. Still a good time was had. But I decided that I want to come out to them, and Anne helped me to write a letter to them as I am way to cowardly to do it in person. I am planning to give them the letter after new years, probably as I leave to come home. But ever few minutes I get terrified and decide I won't, so who knows if I will go through with it.

The Transformers are coming!

Forgot to mention, the new trailer for the transformers movie is online, and it looks awesome. Go check it out here

Its cold outside, but at least there is some atmosphere

I need to go out and do a bit of shopping, need a present for my brother, and cards and wrapping paper and stuff. But I don't want to go because it looks so cold outside!!

I'm also starting to regret my decision to wear a skirt instead of trousers tomorrow, I've not been out in tights before but I can imagine they will be cold. I was told in no uncertain terms last night by my friend Kim that I MUST wear dark shoes, which means I need to buy some today... the only hope of that is getting some black trainers so thats what I will attempt to do. Hopefully I can find some cheap ones. Also we made a deal, so I have no choice but to wear a skirt for the first time tomorrow :P

Yesterday was a bad day, but a couple of people were very supportive, and I can't thank them enough, and probably haven't thanked them enough. Its people like that that keep me going. They probably don't read this, in fact I only know one person who does read this, but I love you all so much.

Talking to my mum is starting to get really hard, I think she knows theres something I'm not telling her. But after taking advice I need to wait till after christmas, and then try and find some way (and some courage) to tell them.

Oh last thing, my digital tv recorder came today, hopefully no more missing programmes, I can get it to store them all! First things I set it for? Torchwood, Christmas Doctor Who and QI, I need to check the listings to see what else is on this christmas that is good.

Thanks for reading, back soon (If I don't freeze to death!)

Lonely

Why is life so damn lonely? Whats the point of it when your just alone all the time. I've been wondering a lot recently if being dead is lonely too, but it probably can't be lonlier than being alive. I've been living here for 4 months now, and I've not had a single person visit apart from my family. They are the only people in my life, and if they take it badly when I tell them the truth I won't have anyone.

I know why I'm lonely, its because of me, no-one would ever want to be around me. Whenever anyone starts to get to know me they drop me like a stone.

Its all so fucking pointless, nothing I do means anything and no-one would even notice if I wasn't here. I'm supposed to see a councellor on Friday, but I doubt theres anything they can find about me that isn't worthless.

*blushes*

Well now I'm all embaressed, first I'm saying how depressing Christmas is, and then a group of students gave me some presents. Thats the first time that has happened, I must say it surprised me. Immediate teacher response is that I must have been too nice lol. But then again I have always tried to be one of the nice teachers, the sort of teacher I liked when I was at school. The day is looking up a bit.

Ho Ho Ho, or something =P

Now if I could just figure out a way to tell my parents the truth...

Christmas Time

Its nearly Christmas. I used to love this time of year, but now it mostly just seems depressing, a reminder of how lonely life is. I'll be going to my parents for Christmas, which I should be looking forward to, but recently being around them is getting more difficult. I wish they knew the truth.

Still, I do hope everyone has a good Christmas, or at least a good holiday if you don't do Christmas. I know I need a break from work so it is welcome.