Telling my parents

When I really think about it, what is the reason I'm procrastinating about telling them? Its not because I don't want them to know, because if I change my sex they are going to notice. I've decided its because I'm afraid that IM wrong about being transexual, and if I'm not going to do it then they don't need to know. But this is the problem I've had all along, I don't trust my own judgement about it. But since, as a friend put it, I'm over 75% sure then I should tell them. So I will.

I think...

Yes I will

Maybe...

Christmas Time

Well the last week has been very interesting. Last Friday I went to see my councellor for the first time, and I decided to go in female clothes. I was really nervous about doing that beforehand, but when the day came it was actually much easier than I had thought it would be, and it felt really good. The councellor was really nice, and I think it helped, although managing to go out in role helped more. I showed myself that I do actually have some confidence, if not much self esteem, that still needs working on. Going to see her again fairly soon, hopefully on the 19th if I can get an appointment then, waiting to hear back from her.

So, that was a really good day. Then on Saturday I went to stay with my parents for Christmas, which was mostly good, if a bit frustrating and sometimes dull. Still a good time was had. But I decided that I want to come out to them, and Anne helped me to write a letter to them as I am way to cowardly to do it in person. I am planning to give them the letter after new years, probably as I leave to come home. But ever few minutes I get terrified and decide I won't, so who knows if I will go through with it.

The Transformers are coming!

Forgot to mention, the new trailer for the transformers movie is online, and it looks awesome. Go check it out here

Its cold outside, but at least there is some atmosphere

I need to go out and do a bit of shopping, need a present for my brother, and cards and wrapping paper and stuff. But I don't want to go because it looks so cold outside!!

I'm also starting to regret my decision to wear a skirt instead of trousers tomorrow, I've not been out in tights before but I can imagine they will be cold. I was told in no uncertain terms last night by my friend Kim that I MUST wear dark shoes, which means I need to buy some today... the only hope of that is getting some black trainers so thats what I will attempt to do. Hopefully I can find some cheap ones. Also we made a deal, so I have no choice but to wear a skirt for the first time tomorrow :P

Yesterday was a bad day, but a couple of people were very supportive, and I can't thank them enough, and probably haven't thanked them enough. Its people like that that keep me going. They probably don't read this, in fact I only know one person who does read this, but I love you all so much.

Talking to my mum is starting to get really hard, I think she knows theres something I'm not telling her. But after taking advice I need to wait till after christmas, and then try and find some way (and some courage) to tell them.

Oh last thing, my digital tv recorder came today, hopefully no more missing programmes, I can get it to store them all! First things I set it for? Torchwood, Christmas Doctor Who and QI, I need to check the listings to see what else is on this christmas that is good.

Thanks for reading, back soon (If I don't freeze to death!)

Lonely

Why is life so damn lonely? Whats the point of it when your just alone all the time. I've been wondering a lot recently if being dead is lonely too, but it probably can't be lonlier than being alive. I've been living here for 4 months now, and I've not had a single person visit apart from my family. They are the only people in my life, and if they take it badly when I tell them the truth I won't have anyone.

I know why I'm lonely, its because of me, no-one would ever want to be around me. Whenever anyone starts to get to know me they drop me like a stone.

Its all so fucking pointless, nothing I do means anything and no-one would even notice if I wasn't here. I'm supposed to see a councellor on Friday, but I doubt theres anything they can find about me that isn't worthless.

*blushes*

Well now I'm all embaressed, first I'm saying how depressing Christmas is, and then a group of students gave me some presents. Thats the first time that has happened, I must say it surprised me. Immediate teacher response is that I must have been too nice lol. But then again I have always tried to be one of the nice teachers, the sort of teacher I liked when I was at school. The day is looking up a bit.

Ho Ho Ho, or something =P

Now if I could just figure out a way to tell my parents the truth...

Christmas Time

Its nearly Christmas. I used to love this time of year, but now it mostly just seems depressing, a reminder of how lonely life is. I'll be going to my parents for Christmas, which I should be looking forward to, but recently being around them is getting more difficult. I wish they knew the truth.

Still, I do hope everyone has a good Christmas, or at least a good holiday if you don't do Christmas. I know I need a break from work so it is welcome.

Sexuality test

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

I scored an average of 3.52

0

1

2

3

4

5

6

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

Meaning

This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:


0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more
than incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally
heterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual


Take the quiz

Life Sucks

Stardate 11110613.06

I'm still too fat, its fluctuating but not going down. As of right now I'm 212.3 pounds, 26.5% bodyfat. I'm starting to think I might have to do some excerise to lose weight... which is so not me :P

Plus its too cold out these days to do running or anything. I could stop eating completely I guess, but thats not exactly healthy. I could eat more healthily but that doesn't sound much fun...

Coursework is starting to pile up, which means lots of marking. I do like teaching, but I am so damn lazy all the marking and prep for lessons is a pain in the ass. I've been thinking more recently about how long I might want to keep doing this for, especially as theres not really much prospect for promotion where I work at the moment. However, bills to pay and the such. Its a worry because if I can start transition, which I want to, I think I'll need a new job anyway, but it took me ages to get this one. I don't love my job, but I've done worse.

Its nearly the day, 16th November I'm going to the Doctor with my friend Anne. I feel like I'm getting more nervous by the minute. Thankfully work didn't make a fuss about me going, and everyone understood me not wanting to say what I was going for. It will be great to see Anne again, I've not seen her since... Easter I think it was, I have a terrible memory.

I've been playing SWG a lot more again, its kind of fun, although still getting bored easy as theres not really anything new to do, but theres some nice new additions coming up. I should make more time for Second Life though, however I need to find something new to do there as well, I have a short attention span and get easily bored lol.

Oh the title is because I was looking at the Star Trek MMO last week and it sounds pretty interesting. I'm thinking I will play that when it comes out

Not actually sure if anyone reads this, but if you do then thanks! And I hope its not too boring.

Much time has passed....

...since my last post, whoops! I've not been up to much though, mostly working. We had an inspection at work which I passed *phew*, and there was a half term, where I visited my parents and spent too much time playing video games.

Oh if your wondering the extended Prince of Thieves does include a lot more of the Sheriff, including show more that he is a devil worshiper, possibly the reason it was cut out?

If your in the UK watch Torchwood, its brilliant, maybe even better than Doctor Who because its more adult. My favourite show on TV at the moment. Oh and don't watch the BBCs Robin Hood, its God awful and looks like they spent no money on it even though it cost over £8 million!

Why a spoon?

Well it seems that this page is no longer blocked at work, I wonder when that happened. Right now I am at work, extremely bored. I'm not bored for lack of things to do, in fact I have lots of things I need to do, but rather because I am feeling too lazy to do anything. I think this is my lazy kitty side coming through. For those who don't know I am a teacher at a college. Currently I am in a free period, which is when I am supposed to be getting important things done, but ho hum.

Yesterday I ordered a copy of Extended Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves on DVD.Why am I inflicting Kevin Costner on myself? Well I do enjoy this film, but also what I am hoping is that the extra 17 minutes will not contain more footage of Kevin, but more of Alan Rickman's hilarious portrayal of the Sheriff of Nottingham. Watching a program on TV at the weekend I heard that Costner has demanded some of Rickman's stuff to be cut out so he didn't upstage Costner, hopefully this is what they added back in, but we will see. If its not then I think I will go with what the Sheriff says in the film:

"That's it then. Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans, no more merciful beheadings, and call off Christmas."


p.s. the answer to the question in the title is "Because it's DULL, you twit. It'll hurt more." the question itself being a response to the Sheriff threat to cut out Robin's heart with a spoon, an image that has always stayed with me and still makes me feel queezy to this day. Yes I know I am a wimp :P

Life, oh virtual life

My two SWG characters, Tam'mi and Tiaan

My internet has been working proparly since last thursday night which has been nice. It seems to max out at 6Mbps, with a minimum of 4.5. Thats cool when you've only ever had 1Mbps at the most, and usually less because your annoying brother insists on downloading all the time when you are trying to play games and so completely lagging you out.

I've been back in my games, Second Life and Star Wars Galaxies (yes I still play that, just not all that much). My characters from SWG are shown above, although thats an fairly old shot. Seemed weird at first, and my roleplaying skills were definately a little rusty. Still I missed my friends, and its nice to see them again. Well see their avatars anyway, which is a good as seeing the real them. You choose your avatar, its not something you are stuck with, so I think its a good indication of what a person is really like. Unless its some horny guy playing a "lesbian" to get sex, but you can spot those pretty easily.

Work is going fine, being so much closer is helping, I'm finding the days easier. I haven't been sleeping that well the last few nights though, I find myself waking up during the night a lot, not sure if its because of noises or something else. Housework is a pain in the ass, but I'm managing it I guess, just put some of it off a bit longer than I should. I have been eating every day, but I know I'm eating too much junk food, I just feel too lazy to do proper cooking a lot of the time.

Last Friday I did something that feels pretty important, but I don't quite feel like writing about it now, maybe in a few days. It could turn out to be life changing though (I almost wanted to write life saving there, it might be)

Today's random post was brought to you by me with a headache and feeling depressed, tune in next time for hopefully something more coherent and interesting, same bat time, same bat channel.

Speed and Interstellar Warfare

My internet connection was finally turned on today, a big yay for that. There seems to be something wrong with the speed though, I'm only getting 128Kbps at the moment when it should be close to 5Mbps. Going to try connecting it up differently, maybe that will help.

Its the end of the first week of teaching, and I am exhausted. It felt like a lot more than just one week, hopefully it won't take too long to get used to it again. I thought I was going to get the weekend to myself, but just found out my Mother wants to visit again, whihc I nice I suppose, but last weekend she annoyed me going on about washing for the whole 8 hours she was here! I shouldn't get annoyed with her though, she's just worrying about me.

My verdicts from this week: Battlestar Galactica is amazing, and series 2 is even better than series 1, really dark, great story arcs and some seriously nasty villans, the sort you have to get nasty just to be able to triumph over. Still only half way through series 2, but hopefully it will continue to be this good. Lego Star Wars 2 is a lot of fun, although slightly harder than the first one, and being a Jedi in it doesn't feel as fun as in the first one, but the non Jedi characters are certainly better, just a shame that my favourite thing about Star Wars is the Jedi.

Help! Help! I'm being repressed!

So they have added this page to the list of blocked sites at work, which means no more posting while I am bored, bah. I'll have to try and make sure I remember to post at home, which is extra annoying seeing as the only internet I have is dialup, poop.

Its almost time to start teaching again, so thats something not to look forward to. Still, I think once I have proper internet, oh and a sofa to sit on when I want to watch TV (still 7 more weeks for that) all will be good.

Death of a Crocodile Hunter

This happened yesterday, and I'm sure most people are probably aware about it now, but I felt I wanted to mention it. Yesterday Steve Irwin was killed by a stingray while filming in Australia. I was shocked to hear of his death, although in some ways its not all that surprising. He was a fearless man who put himself in so many dangerous situations. I do feel for his wife and two young children who have been left behind.

The information yesterday was quite brief, but heres an article from the BBC today that includes a bit more detail about what happened, including a confirmation that the incident was recorded. Personally I hope that tape doesn't get passed around. There are some good quotes in the article, my favourite being from the Australian Prime Minister John Howard, who said he had died in "quintessentially Australian circumstances".

Goodbye Steve, you crazy guy, you will be missed

How Fat?

So last weekend I visited my parents, and among various other things they gave me were a set of bathroom scales. This is actually a set that has been knocking around for a while, originally bought my nan, who gave them to my mum because they were too complicated, and my mum never did anything with them. Anyway, I'm rambling.
So these scales. They are digital, and you tell them your height and it tells you your body fat (the 'complicated' part). Well it took me a while to figure out how to use them, but eventually I put my height in and get on. 210 pounds it says, which I knew. Its too much, although not as bad as it might seem at first glance, I am tall. Then it works out my body fat...
23.5% - I am nearly 1/4 fat. Now I'm not sure what its supposed to be, but I'm worried its meant to be zero, or close to that. If thats true then I am much fatter than I thought. I don't want to be 23% fat, something needs to be done...

Dead Again

Well here's something that harks back to the very first post I made, I found out yesterday that George Romero is making another Zombie movie! This one is going to be called "Diary of the Dead", and there is an early script review up here which I skimmed but didn't read entirely to avoid spoilers. It sounds like a neat idea where apparently the story will be entirely seen through cameras that exist 'in world' as it were, although helpfully the main character is a film student making a documentary so has a camera with him all the time. Also its going to be a prequal of sorts, showing when the zombies first started appearing rather than following on from Land of the Dead.
The premise will seemingly make it very low budget, but I think it has the potential to be good, possibly even better than Land of the Dead, which while it was interesting enough won't stand out in my mind as a classic. So go George, give us a Diary of the Dead!

Word of the day

So yesterday I go onto google, and it gives me my word for the day, which happened to be sui generis
I have two problems with this, firstly its not one word, its two. My second problem with it is that its not even English, I'd rather my word of the day was in my own language.
On a plus point, it means unique, which is something I consider myself to be.

In other news, I moved into my new flat on Sunday, yay! Its nice, and has cut over an hour off my journey to work! Still need some more furnature, including a bed, which I just this moment found out is going to be delivered on Saturday =)
Bit lonely at the moment, especially with no internet there, but hopefully that will be sorted out next week.

Home.... and Away

Well I'm back from Canada. Actually I got back a couple of days ago, been very busy since then because.... I am moving! I've bought my first home, yay! Its completely empty and I don't have any furniture, so I will have to buy lots of stuff, can't even move in until I get the basics.

I'll post some stories about while I was away, and about my moving as it happens. My most recent crisis is not being able to get any internet until the 6th of September because the previous people didn't get the phone shut off in time. How will I deal with this... I don't know yet, have to figure something out.

Flight over to Canada was pretty good actually, the movies were Ice Age 2, The Lion King, and some rubbish with Harrison Ford, so pretty furtastic. I just had to make sure not to cry during the Lion King. And we had some nice seats with extra leg room. I thought Canada might be cooler than at home, but wow! At least they have aircon there though. More to come...

Off I Go

Well I'm off to Canada for two weeks with my family, hopefully it will be fun, and maybe cooler than here because this heat is getting ridiculous.
When I get back there will be more interesting things afoot, which I will write about then.
Bye and see you soon!

Over The Kryptonite

Last week a saw a couple of new movies, 'Superman Returns' and 'Over The Hedge'.

Over The Hedge I thought was a delightful movie about a group of animals (above, trying to figure out if it's a bird, a plane, or a hedge) collecting food from a housing development that has been built over their forest. It made me laugh a lot, and I would thoroughly recommend it to children, adults and furries of all ages. Not really much else to say, it was just a charming film and I enjoyed it more than the other movie I saw last week.

So, a new Superman movie. Well I will start off by saying that I did enjoy this, it is a proper Superman movie, flying, rescues, witty banter and a little bit of romance. Most of my issues with it are small, for starters, kryptonite again! The one thing that has always put me off Superman is that he is just too strong, but having to rely on using kryptonite to give his enemies a chance gets really old.
The new Superman is similar, but whilst I thought he was good as Clark kent, his Superman was a bit humourless, in the old movies he seemed more of a fun guy. The new Lois is pretty rubbish to be honest, I'm sure they could have done better.
Lex came up with a sufficiently ludacrous plan, and nearly suceeded in killing superman. I must say that I actually cried a little, it was quite emotional.
Now I'm trying to write this without giving too much away, but let me say that there was an interesting factor added to this story, which certainly answers a question posed in 'Mallrats' and at first I wasn't sure, but then I kind of grew to like it. And I didn't even consider it until Lex mentions the posibility, so don't feel bad those of you who don't spot it either.
It's maybe not as good as Superman 1 and 2, but better than 3 and 4. Definately worth a watch.

Penalty Reduction

So all the Italian clubs had their punishments reduced, with Juventus now the only club being demoted, and now with a small enough points penalty that they may even be able to get promoted again immediately. Not really too much of a surprise, but a bit disappointing.

Out of the mouths of babes?

How can Wayne Rooney have written an autobiography? He's:
a) not exactly articulate when hes talking, but maybe hes just shy in public?
b) a kid, hes only 20 and hes written a whole book about his life?
c) a footballer, so shouldn't be writing books anyway

Apparently in it he says visiting a brothel was the biggest regret of his life. Something to work on there then.

On a releated note - Man U transfer news
By all reports Man U are buying up half the players in Europe. What is the point of making up all these transfer rumers, are the journalists really that bored? I hope Christiano Ronaldo stays, the boy is a talent. van Nistelrooy can go so long as its for a decent price. Apparently the sun says Ronaldo wants to move to Man U from Real Madrid, biggest question though is why would we want him? Well hopefully we'll pick up a couple of good new players, perhaps in the Italian clearence sales

Being Sent Down

This is a few days old now, it happened on Friday, but I wanted to make a brief comment. It has been decided what the punishments should be for the four Italian clubs involved in the match fixing scandal. They vary from being relegated with huge points reductions (effectively keeping Juventus down for two seasons at least), to relegation with smaller point deductions or just point deductions.
Now obviously I havent seen all the evidence, but I have followed the case. All I really want to say it that I am glad that this was dealt with harshly, and although I am sorry for the fans and the players of these clubs, corruption must be dealt with in such a manner. I felt that the calls after the Fifa World Cup (TM) that the allegations should be dropped were outrageous. Corruption like this just can't be ignored because you feel good to have won something.
Yes it was harsh, but it should serve both as a punishment and a warning against corruption.

Transform and roll out!

Transformers is getting a new movie, and I'm a bit excited about it. Very excited about it. Well actually I'm so excited about it I'm quivvering in anticipation. I haven't been this excited about a movie since Star Wars Episode 1... and we know how that turned out. To that end I am attempting, not very successfully, to temper my schoolgirl giddyness with a dose of cynacism.
Like I said, it ain't working. All I can hope for is that I don't burst before the movie actually comes out!
Ahem... for those not obsessed with Transformers, there is a new movie coming out next summer, 4th July in the US, about the giant robots who disguise themselves as vehicles. Its directed by Michael Bay, produced by Steven Spielberg, and by all evidence has a budget of giant robot proportions. Theres been a lot of stuff on the internet, some official, most unofficial and a lot of which I believe to be bullshit.
The best official souces are the official website for the film, which also has the first (very cool) trailer to watch, and Michael Bay's official forums where they are posting some info. But they are trying to keep stuff secret which is fine with me.
I'm no G1 purist (that being the original TVseries/comic book/toy line) in fact my favourite Transformers of all is Beast Wars, so I'm mostly fine with them changing things as they see fit. Especially since this film is over 20 years since Transformers started, of course things will have changed.
Anyway, I'm certain you'll be hearing more about this from me in the next year, so stay tuned Transfans

*giggles*

Bothered by the Dead

Why is it that I am so bothered about the fact they are remaking Day of the Dead. I wasn't particularly worried about the remake of Dawn of the Dead, and that is a far superior film. This will mean all three parts of Romero's Dead Trilogy have been remade, which is a little sad but at least a testament to the quality of the original films.
Who knows the new Day of the Dead may even be better than the original, which apart from its good zombie effects has little that I am really keen on. Of course the second half of 28 Days Later is essentially a remake of Day of the Dead anyway. Perhaps the fact it might be better is part of the problem, although I seriously doubt it will be, especially if its as silly as the new Dawn of the Dead
Ving Rhames is in this new film as well, but he shouldn't be. If they claim its totally seperate, having one of the main actors from the previous film is just going to detract from that.
Anyway, it bothers me, don't make it.